Back in the Saddle Again

And by saddle, I mean the cushy reclining chemo chair. I'm literally in it, right now, while chemo cocktails course (alliteration is fun) through my port, once again. Wait, what? You're back, getting treatments? But I thought you said things were "resolved"? Well, they are, but like I said last post - that does not mean cured. That does not mean "had" cancer. It means that I have cancer and some more treatments are necessary right now. Transitioning doctors, nurses, and caregivers is a dance in data sharing and note comparisons, gaps and overlaps. From what I gather, and confirmed by my nurse, Katie, today, things look good. Reduced masses, no activity, etc. But with the gap in care from the end of June, the existence of those abdominal lymph node masses, and some uncertainty in scan comparisons, my doctor feels it's a good idea to keep some treatment going. It certainly won't hurt. And he's scheduling new scans. So....depending on what they show, I might finally be able to go to immunotherapy only.

Right now it's chemo and immunotherapy and the joy of not feeling my best for a couple of days. Of getting an anti-nausea shot that I swear was made for horses. The needle is quite large, and quite painful. Of having to go home with this little pump I wear for two days, which is going to get in the way of my gym sessions. Of feeling defeated/deflated/unattractive/cyborgish (if cyborgs could also feel kinda icky in a chemically poisoned medicinal kind of way). Of metallic tastes in my mouth and cold sensitivity. But I also know that it's going to help me live longer, and I want to live longer.

These last two months without treatment have spoiled me. I've been doing all kinds of house projects: up ladders wiring and installing lights, crawling under decks to run new hot tub electrical work and repair the motor, driving fence posts, reframing windows, splitting firewood. Jess and I have been going to the gym every day, Monday through Friday. I've

been getting strong. Visibly, muscularly strong. My weight is up. I've been creative, and productive, and energized. I don't want any of that to go away. I'm afraid chemo is going to take that away from me. I don't intend to let it, but it's tough, you know?

I feel a bit deflated. Maybe it's just the jarring shock back into my reality: I have cancer. And it sucks. But I'm still alive! For all intensive purposes, I'm doing pretty damned good. I had/have stage IV cancer. I don't think I was still supposed to be here today as far as percentages and analytics are concerned. I don't mind being the contrarian. Anyway, that's the status of things.

Funny side note: My doctor just popped into the treatment room to get something, saw me and said hi. Said, literally, "First day back in the saddle?" I'd already titled this blog post "Back in the Saddle Again".... lol.

• j