Nausea is one of those words I always have trouble spelling (restaurant is up there too). But now, after typing it out so many times in answering family and friend check-ins, I think I've got the spelling down. Restaurant....don't get your hopes up. I always want to put that "u" with the second "a". Hopefully I can overcome the nauseated feelings I'm experiencing in adjusting to the tube feedings (or maybe it's just the cancer, or both) as easily as I've overcome my former inability to spell nausea. And I didn't even start chemo yet! I know that's going to be a doozy.
It's an ebb and flow of the nausea tide; from "slightly queasy" to "I need to curl up on the couch and not do anything because I feel like I am going to hurl and I don't want to do that because even coughing hurts right now with this newly implanted feeding tube and imagine what that's going to feel like as I'm heaving". Hopefully you're not reading this while eating. Maybe I should have put a disclaimer. Too late now. Being in a constant state of queasy flux is exhausting and, it goes without saying (although I'm going to say it - why does that phrase even exist?), extremely uncomfortable. Also, I wrote "nausea" (or some form of) six times in two paragraphs and nailed it every time. Go ahead and be impressed for a second. I'll wait.
It's only going to get worse though. That's how it goes - you have to walk through the fire sometimes to come out on the other end. In order to survive this, I'll have to go through the treatments that are going to knock me down, make me sick, exhaust me, and generally put me through the wringer. Can't make an omelet with breaking some eggs, right? Another food reference? That wasn't even intentional! Incidentally, I just sneezed while writing this and it felt like someone jabbed their finger in an open bullet wound. That tube site is still a wee bit sensitive.
Besides coping with the aforementioned woes, there is the matter of appointments. There are so many! They're like Gremlins: you pour water on them and they multiply! We've had a gazillion so far and today we're going out to oncology, to a class that will educate us on chemotherapy treatments and what to expect. Monday, I have an appointment with my primary physician to check on things overall, look at the tube site, etc. Tuesday, they are going to biopsy the lymph node in my neck. It's an outpatient procedure, but it still will require cutting, sampling, stitching, etc. Then, that afternoon, with fresh stitches, we'll meet with radiation to get me set up for treatments. Friday, we'll be in Baltimore for a consultation with the John Hopkins Esophageal Cancer Center for a second opinion. It's like we're on tour....only without fun and stuff, lol. Esophageal Cancer Tour '23! You know you want a t-shirt. The front will have a cancerous mass on a table and a doctor has just stamped down on it (squishing it flat) with an ink stamp that says: ASS KICKED! and the back will have a list of all appointments and dates (CAT scan - 1/17/23, PFT - 1/24/23, Oncology - 1/26/23, Endoscopy - 1/27/23, Thoracic Surgeon - 1/31/23, PET scan - 2/3/23, Surgery - 2/3/23, etc. etc. ).
Yesterday was a nice change of pace. It was 70 degrees here! Jess and I went for a walk at the park. It was the first time in a few weeks where I'd gotten out of the house for something that wasn't an appointment. We held hands and walked and chatted.
It felt good to move, to stretch my legs, and get some fresh air. I couldn't walk super fast, and I had to hold my tube area so it didn't jostle too much, but it was really nice. I'll admit, I was a bit winded by the end, but I think I did okay!
As always, thank you all so much for your love, support, messages, check-ins, and all-around awesomeness. The outpouring of support has been amazing and your generosity is overwhelming. The medical bills (even with insurance) are pretty crazy (and not just medical - even the formula for the tube feed is a hefty expense) and your contributions to our Go Fund Me will significantly ease the burden of dealing with the financial aspect of this situation. So, thank you immensely. Jess and I are so grateful for your kindness. If you are able to pass along the GFM link, that would be super cool.
Have a wonderful day, friends. Spring is not too far off, regardless of whatever that groundhog said. The days are getting longer and things will be blooming soon. West Virginia always gets an early spring and I'm looking forward to the birds singing and the shoots breaking through the soil. Enjoy every moment and take one second to stop and appreciate something or someone you might normally just take for granted. Much love, friends.
- j