The first treatment has been scheduled: Thursday morning at 9:00. This is a whole new set of drugs, to include immunotherapy. I have no idea what side effects will occur or how it is going to make me feel. Sure, I was given a football field length scroll of the potential side
effects, but which ones are going to actually happen? It'd be great if the answer was "none of them," but that's not going to be the case. Hopefully it won't be too bad. Treatments will be every three weeks for the IV chemo and immunotherapy and pills at home for the 2nd chemo drug.
I'm nervous for sure. I don't want to be knocked down like I was before, but that was also with radiation. There will be no radiation this time, so maybe that will make a big difference. It's all speculation. I won't know until I begin treatments, and even then, maybe not until after the second round of treatments. It's tough, because I'm starting to feel better, more able and capable (even though I cannot put weight or strength on yet) and I know this is going to impede that process. Maybe. Probably. Who the hell knows? That's a lot of our current state of affairs, me and Jess: Who the hell knows? That should probably be my default answer when asked how I'm feeling, lol. Who the hell knows? It makes a good blog title.
I'm getting better at trying not to think too far ahead, to being present in the moment. To appreciating what is happening now. One moment, one hour, one day. Right now I'm writing this blog and enjoying a glass of water. Tonight, I am going to make dinner for Jess and I - spinach and feta turkey meatballs with herbed quinoa. And we'll watch some of season 3 of Succession. Tomorrow, I'm bringing a snake to a friend. Thursday, I'm going in for chemotherapy. Those are scheduled things, things that will be happening and must be noted, but I'm not focused on those things. I'm focused now, on this blog, and this water. And in doing so, I'm not allowing myself to worry or wonder too much about the effects of chemo, or the days and weeks ahead. Why? Because who the hell knows? And to merely speculate, to create a reality that isn't real because it doesn't exist yet, or hasn't answered itself, is a waste of time. It'll only pivot me into a place of distraction, depression, and possibly self-manifestation. So, I'm writing this blog, and drinking this glass of water, and when I'm done? Don't know yet. Not planning that. I'm here now, with this blog. And my water.
But Joe, you've spent this entire time talking about the chemo and the side effects, so aren't you not completely here, with the blog and the water? Aren't you partly there too? You make a great point, but no, I'm not, because letting those thoughts and scheduled plans and pop-
up mental tumbleweeds enter the brainspace and then leave is natural. They're going to show up, but if you just acknowledge them and let them keep on going, not bothering to focus on them and entertain them, then they're in and out. Leaving you free to focus on now: on blog and water. It's only when you give into their desperate cries for attention that you lose focus and start spiraling into what's next? what's next? what's next? And you know what the answer is, truly, deep down (because we think we have control over everything, but we really don't): who the hell knows?
So there you have it. Waxing philosophical on you. This blog is done (for today). My water is gone. What's next?
Who the hell knows?
- j