Day 38 - Yesterday Sucked.
- joemcgeeauthor
- Mar 9, 2023
- 2 min read
I know that many of my posts are lighter and humorous and that's not because I'm trying to paint things with a bright coat of paint, it's just who I am and how I see things. But I'm going to take a second now to complain/rant/wallow in misery? Yesterday plain sucked.
It started off with waking up and throwing up and ended with throwing up - getting out of bed to go kneel by the porcelain bowl and heave my guts up, wanting to just curl up on the bathroom floor. In between was a whole day of extreme fatigue and tiredness, aches, unsettled stomach, and no desire to do anything. Even speech seemed too much. If I could have just curled myself into a ball like one of those little "potato bugs" and rolled into the next day, I would have.
I'm tired of this damned feeding tube and the hassle of doing it four times a day.
This morning, I sat for a half an hour just trying to convince myself to get up and get the stuff and do it. I'm tired of the color of the formula, the smell of it, the tube wrangling, the procedure, the wait while it slowly drains into my stomach. Getting the tube ready, putting the tube away. This morning I unclipped the tube before I had the syringe on and a bunch of nasty stuff (stomach acid, bile, digested formula) came back up through the tube and all over my electric blanket and now that has to be washed (hopefully it can be) so I can use it again.
I'm tired of sitting on the couch and then I'm tired of being tired when I stand for too long. I'm tired of being trapped in the house most of the time. I'm tired of feeling useless. I'm tired of feeling sick and achy and cold.
I'm tired. Maybe I'm depressed. I don't know.
And I realize that I have a long way to go, but this is how I feel today and sometimes you just have to unbottle those feelings too.
j
I’m glad you are being honest here about some of what’s hard, too. Please keep writing as you feel up to it if it helps you get through all this to document in this way!
Thinking about you today, Joe, and sending big hugs.
It truly doesn’t sound like depression Joe, although you have plenty of reason to be. It sounds like plain sick and tired, which is such a contrast to your usual energy and zest and appreciation for your life. I am so heart wrenched that you have to go through this, knowing you still have a way to go. Please feel free to complain as much as you like. You are under no obligation to protect the rest of us from the full range of your feelings/experience/misery. Love you honey 💙
sending so much affirmation of "we see you and hate this for you"-- glad that writing is home for you xo
Thanks for keeping it real, Joe. Although, "potato bug"—you can't keep your creative wordplay completely at bay, because it is as much a part of you as your expectation to be able to taste food not vomit, or use your two good legs to get up and move instead of constant-lounge. Sounds like Monday chemo reinforces hump day. Or maybe it's reverse-hump day, like bottom-out day. Hoping you can climb a bit more toward normal as Thursday wears on. xo