On Tuesday evening of this past week, I was reminded of King Henry's speech in William Shakespeare's Henry V, "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more." And since April is National Poetry Month, you ought to go here and read it, or search for a different poetic topic, or poet, and read a few poems. But anyway, that was how I felt...one more radiation treatment on Wednesday morning. Once more unto the breach.
And then I did it. It was over. Done. They (the staff and techs) congratulated me and gave me a certificate for completing eight weeks of hell, and I was able to ring the bell. The bell is for those who finish treatments. You get to ring it loud and proud, and boy, did I! With Jess by my side, I rang the shit out of that bell!
A volunteer was kind enough to take our picture and told me to ring it again. This time I did for Jess, because we both completed those treatments. I might have been physically going through them, but she suffered as much as I have, just in different ways. We walked out of the oncology center hand in hand, happy to be done with that part of the process.
We came home on Thursday and these last few days I've been pretty fatigued. It's been hard to get physically, or mentally focused or energized to do anything. All my body wants to do is lay on the couch and drink ice-cold Gatorade (I've discovered that red, fruit punch, is the best flavor. I used to think it was lemon lime, but no...). But I can't fill up on Gatorade because then my stomach is too full for the formula I need to put in it. But I have this unquenchable thirst. I want icy lemonade, a cherry Icee, sweet watermelon, clementines, dripping peaches, an Orange Julius (do they still exist?)...I have flashbacks to high school wrestling and how good the water from the water fountain tasted when Coach Sanders blew the whistle and let us scramble off the mats to get a drink. I savor every drop of flavor or cold nourishment.
But more important is to start putting weight back on. I am horrified by the pictures I see of me. I'm a skeleton. I have never been a big guy, but I've always been strong, and well-proportioned. I've lost 45 pounds since this all started! Putting weight back on is extremely important because if it continues to drop, that's another reason for the surgeon to say no to doing the surgery. I cannot give him any reason to refuse to do the surgery. So, I'm working on it, and tracking my weight. So far it is trickling upward.
We have the next scan set for May 17th, which will tell us how effective the treatments were in destroying the cancer inside of me. After that, we meet with the surgeon. If all goes well, we're looking at surgery in mid-June. I cannot tell you how scary this wait is. Literally waiting to see if you are going to get potential life-saving surgery or not. If it doesn't happen... well, it just has to happen. In the meantime, we found a house to rent in Winchester, closer to the medical facilities, closer to civilization. We move in the beginning of May and our house goes on the market May 1st. The house is mostly packed because Jess is an unstoppable machine. I'm on the sidelines, unable to do much (not that she'll let me anyway, lol). We have friends and family coming to help load and unload and I'll have to sit this one out. It'll be the first move in my life where I'm not an active part - not loading, unloading, driving the truck, or disassembling/assembling things. Makes me feel useless, but it's the current situation.
I'm feeling a little bit more energized today. I mean, look...I picked up this laptop and wrote a blog post. Believe it or not, that's a small victory. And while I begin this journey on the road to recovery, I'll take every small victory I can get.
